


I wish it was me...

by xSuzukinx



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, bit angsty, but ends in toothrotting fluff lol, donno what else to say, made inspired from a rp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-15
Updated: 2014-04-15
Packaged: 2018-01-19 13:22:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1471369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xSuzukinx/pseuds/xSuzukinx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The universe must have a calendar of sorts for days like those… The ones that change people lives in the most messed up way one could think of. At last that was what went through Rin’s mind.<br/>(I know, I suck at this)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I wish it was me...

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This fanfic is based/inspired of the rp, with the same name, I have with rpharuka. I had this idea playing in my mind for a while now till the rp inspired me to write it down. Please note that it is NOT a replica and the things here happen differently, than in our rp(also coz the rp is kinda left without ending lol). Though some of the conversations or behavior is taken from it. (the rp is in my tumblr.. if you wanna look at it)
> 
>  

It all had started pretty harmless. The day was sunny, though a bit chilly. But for a late winter’s day that was perfect. The small layer of snow had melted ages ago and small flowers were popping out from the frozen earth. Spring was slowly, but surely announcing its arrival. And the season wasn’t the only one that slowly had blossomed.

After the re-kindled friendship of him and his old teammates Rin felt a sleeping flower open in his chest. It had laid dormant bedded deep in his heart for years and the shark toothed teen had covered it with layers of pride and misplaced anxiety about a dream he thought he would never achieve without beating Haruka. But now the cover was lifted and as the seed felt sunshine warm it, it awoke. But not just one. No. Rin couldn’t be so lucky. That one flower had grown into a cherry blossom filled tree in no time. Spreading its branches throughout his ribcage and raining flower petals in the pit of his stomach. Filling him to the brim with pink and warm and… And Haru.

The redhead still wasn’t sure if the two coexisted in his mind because every time something world shattering happened, that turned his universe 180 degrees, the two were somehow involved, or his heart tried to desperately tell him something. Because every time he closed his purple eyes Haruka was standing at the base of tree with his hand reached out for him to take.

The scene got worse with every passing day. Rin could hear him now. He could see the sparkling brilliant blue of Haru’s eyes. Everything played in his head as the day ended, replaying the memory of what little things he had picked up from the freestyler that day. Rin was sure he was going crazy. There was not a day anymore he hadn’t fallen asleep, or woken without thinking about _him_.

At the next joined practice the redhead finally broke. He had to know… he had to tell… he had to make it stop or he would just burst. But he was not ready for the main boss just yet. So he took Makoto aside for a talk. And who else to better talk to about Haru related things, than the mother hen slash angel on earth slash best friend of Haruka Nanase? Rin was convinced at one point that Makoto could write a dictionary ‘Haruka-English’ And at this point Rin would really need it, like a lot.

He hadn’t even said anything to the green eyed friend of his, who, god have mercy, gave him an angel’s smile of encouragement, that made Rin almost blurt everything on his heart out in one breath. It was about Haru. It always was about Haru for the redhead.

"Makoto, you don’t understand! I’m like out of my mind every time we meet. I find myself thinking for hours about one uttered word or quick glance when our eyes meet. But we are friends. Do you think that is weird? Do you think I’m weird?" Rin heard himself talk like he was a spectator of a badly made movie that was airing on the first TV ever invented. His mind had long gone to vacations in Insecurity-ville, staying in the hotel ‘madly-in-love’.

Makoto said nothing, just stared back at his somewhat flustered friend. The thoughts of ‘ _always the romantic_ ’ clearly showing on his face, he didn’t speak, but Rin doesn’t have to hear it to know. The redhead almost scowled and huffed to ‘forget it’, but his mind was thrown overboard by gentle, big hands resting lightly on his shoulders before they pulled him into a crushing hug. He would have protested if not for a soft “You should tell him you are in love. It’s okay, Rin.” That tickled the redhead’s ear and calmed ever cell in his body. The small smile in Makoto’s voice made Rin hope that what he heard was true and for the first time that day he allowed a smile play on his lips not knowing that this decision would mess up his universe.

-

Haruka was always lingering in the pool towards the end of joint practice, the last one to head towards the locker rooms to shower and change. As he made his way there, he crossed paths with Makoto and Rin. The words he caught sounded too intimate to barge in and then… a hug that made the ground beneath him shake as the shock of realization that _Rin liked Makoto_ sank in. He could scarcely believe how jealous it made him. Why? Because he, himself liked the redhead secretly as more than a friend. He had just been too scared all this time to admit it out loud.

Suddenly depressed, Haru turned for the locker rooms, showered and changed without paying much attention to what he was doing. Nagisa’s cheerful voice echoed in the room as he pulled Rei outside the door after the other teen had involuntary agreed to buy the blonde ice cream on their way to the train. But all that commotion went past the black haired swimmers head without registrating any of it. His mind going over the sight he had witnessed. How had he not seen this coming? He was downright dumbfounded. His best friend and his love interest liked each other the same way?! He had half a mind to go for another swim to try and clear his head, but that meant going back to the poolside. Face Rin and Makoto… together. Haru shook his head. Besides, the pool was closed now, the freestyler offered an argument to himself for dismissing the thought.

Sighing he decided to take the long way and walk home. He couldn’t and didn’t want to be around his friend’s happy chatter right now. It would be a long walk, but he needed air. With that thought he left the locker room.

“Haru-chan! Rei-chan is treating us to ice cream on the way to the train station. Which one will you have?” Nagisa chirped.

“Nagisa-kun! I did not say such a thing!” Rei protested, but was ignored by the always sunny smiling teen. His eyes fixed on the black haired swimmer.

“I’m walking home.” Haru muttered not capable of dealing with anything right now and turned for the door. He hoped that Nagisa would take it as one of his antisocial phases, than anything else. To his luck the blonde pouted lightly, but let him be.

Pushing open the door a cool breeze hit his face and tangled itself in his midnight dark locks. Fixing the jacket around his neck to fend off the chill, Haru left the school. So engrossed in his inner thoughts, he was not paying much attention to anything or anyone around him. How was he going to deal with this?

Haruka’s musing wasn’t long as a familiar voice entered his fuzzy mind and made the teen falter in his step. The hug flashed before his mind’s eyes and he picked up his pace. He didn’t want to hear that. That Rin was… That they were together. But the redhead caught up on him with no problem. Slightly out of breath and dripping water from those soft, maroon locks. Haru averted his eyes.

-

“I wanted to talk to you… I need… well, I wanted… Can I…” Great! Now he was stuttering of all things! Rin cleared his throat and started again. “There is something important that I want to talk about with you. Can I tag along?” the blush bloomed on the redhead’s cheeks, but he was too anxious to take notice. Makoto’s words playing in his mind on repeat. Haruka nodded, emotionless face and all and slowed once more to let the teen meet his stride.

Rin let a hand rake through his damp hair while walking silently beside the other. He had rushed out from the showers as fast, as was humanly possible when he found out Haru had already left.

“I was going to walk home.” A soft voice escaped Haru’s lips, which brought the redhead back from the depths of his own mind.

“Yeah, sure.” Rin muttered and sighed. A walk in the crisp, fresh air sounded perfect. They would be relatively alone, no major distractions and Rin hoped the walk would let him keep a somewhat cool and level headed mind. Not to mention the time it took to get from Rin’s school to Haru’s place, would give the redhead time to actually figure out what he was about to say and how to phrase his thoughts right.

They had walked beside each other for quite some time before Rin finally had sorted out the rough message he wanted to deliver to the other teen.

"Haru… You see, I don’t know how to tell you this, without it sounding weird. And there is also the thing, that you may not react pleased with it. So…" Rin scratched the back of his neck, where still slightly moist hair was sticking to his skin. The anxiety he had felt just moments before drowned in a sudden flood of fear.

"The thing is… Can I ask you a rather personal question?” He wasn’t sure why, but the warm, almost nauseous feeling in his gut pulled a break so sharply his stomach flipped. He had to make sure that Haru wouldn’t be offended or, by all deities, disgusted by the topic, that was about to slip from his lips.

"A personal question? Go ahead, I guess." Rin looked out from the corner of his eyes at the swimmer walking next to him, looking over Haru’s face as the black haired teen answered and seeing no change from his usual expression, at least outwardly, the redhead took it as his usual uninterested self. Probably just humoring Rin while his mind was going over mackerel, or pool, or swimming, or whatever-the-hell he was usually thinking over. _As unfazed as ever_. The redhead felt an almost annoying frown crawl on his face and pull on his eyebrows. Shooing the feeling away he took a deep breath, swallowing his heart that had climbed into his throat from all the anxiety he felt, Rin started again.

“Haru… what would you do, if you found out one of your friends was gay?” rolled over Rin’s lips. He bit his lower lip in anticipation, waiting for the answer to come. But there was silence. For quite some time actually. So long that Rin wondered, if Haru had heard him.

“Em… Haru, I-“

“I heard you.” Came from the other teen.

“Then say something! Jeez.” Rin scratched the back of his neck, looking everywhere but the teen beside him. _Way to make it more complicated than it was…_ “Well, think of it like one of your friends you swim with said that they like guys. You know, like Rei, or Nagisa would walk up to you and confess, or…” _or me._

“Or Makoto?” Haruka added.

“Mako- What do you mean?”

“Makoto being gay.”

“Oh… Yeah, or- or Makoto… I guess.” Rin looked to the ground. His chest pulled together with an irrational jealousy that the name leaving Haruka’s lips wasn’t his own, and yet he did probably died on the spot if Haru had caught up on the implication. Clearing his throat lightly Rin risked a glance up again. “So… What would you do?”

“Nothing.” Rolled over the other teens lips and there was a moment of silence again, before Haruka added. “Nothing would change, so I did do nothing.”

“What?”

“Being gay doesn’t mean that anything has changed about you, right? I knew and liked the person before they told me, so why would that new knowledge make a difference?” Haruka was not a sociable person, to say the least, but the friends he made were important to him. Every one of them, who had took the trouble to befriend him. And he liked to think that this kind of knowledge would change nothing in their relationship… especially because he himself was in love with a guy… a guy that right now was looking at him with something of a gaping fish out of water expression on his stupidly attractive face. The sight made Haru bit his own lip to not let the fond smile spread over his face, and clench his hand in a fist to prevent an urging need of touch the others cheek. To brush over that little blush on his cheekbones.

“You- I- Yeah… I- I see.” Rin stammered out, before his face eased into a relieved smile. A soft sigh broke past his lips before he took a deep breath again. _It will be okay._ Reaching out, Rin took Haruka’s jacket sleeve and tugged at it lightly to make the other stop in their walk. Swallowing thickly Rin looked in Haruka’s eyes.

“Haru, I’m gay.” The redhead blurted out. His gaze wavered, sliding over the others face for a moment. “And… there is- I want to- There is one more thing I need to tell you. I- I… eh…” _Shit! This was harder than I thought. Just tell him, stupid!_

The warmth in Haruka’s body left him in a blink of an eye, when the realization dawned on him of where the other was heading with this and hit him like a runaway train.

“Is that so?” Haruka managed to bring over his lips, monotone and stripped of emotion, before turning and picking up his pace again. He didn’t want to hear this! The world around him started to crack and crumble and he had to escape… Get far away before the reality could catch up. The fact that _Rin liked Makoto_. But Rin apparently didn’t want to grant him such liberty.

“Wait, Haru!” The redhead caught him by the wrist. “I want to tell you something. I like-…” Rin was cut off by Haruka pulling his hand free and turning again.

“I don’t want to hear it! Just drop it!” The loud voice coming from the usually quiet and emotionless teen rendered the redhead speechless. Haru fought the urge to press his hands to his ears, in a desperate attempt to shut the world out. The dreadful feeling of knowing his blossomed feelings would have no space to grow, to exist. He turned yet again and this time picked up his pace to almost running.

He had to get away. Maybe drop out from everyone’s lives and disappear for a while… till he could cope with it… till it wouldn’t hurt so much… till it wouldn’t kill him just by thinking that Rin and Makoto… Haruka shook his head lightly. He would take some clothes and stuff he needed for living. He would leave a message for Makoto to not worry. Even if he was partially responsible of the agony Haruka felt, the brunette was still his best friend. Makoto would somehow explain this to the rest of the group, he was sure of that. And Rin…

He had to go. Somewhere, where he could calm down. Forget his feelings. And maybe… maybe somehow, someday would be able to come back and wish happiness to the two, but now… right now the mere thought of it killed him.

-

Rin looked at Haruka’s retreating back with unseeing eyes. He had been lost in the abyss of his own thoughts. _He didn’t want to hear it? He didn’t care? He… didn’t… **care**?!_ Went in circles through his mind and sent a spark of selfishness, or ego, or whatever demon poked him, causing his fur to bristle every time Haruka had turned his gaze from him, deeming him annoying or a pain, through his veins. Whatever that was made his body jump-start and a hot wave of anger rush over his spine.

In just a couple of heartbeats Rin had caught up with Haru and spun the other teen around, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt, their faces so close that their noses almost brushed.

“What the hell do you mean, drop it?! Jerk, if I _could_ drop it, do you think I would be here, confessing this to you?” Rin felt his eyes cloud over with moisture, but he felt so hurt and angry right now that it didn’t matter. “Do you have any idea what a mess I have been all this time? And the moment I take my courage to talk to you… to tell you all, you just turn on me with an ‘I don’t want to hear it’!” Then the first tear, that had nestled in his purple eyes, dropped and Rin recoiled. His hands went up to his face, brushing the tears roughly from his vision. _Shit! I didn’t mean to break down in front of him like that._

The other teen, though face unchanged, was perplexed on what to do or think anymore. The brilliant blue eyes looked over the redhead, who had broken down before him yet again. Asking for him to listen. To.. to what? To be his friend, right? _Friend_. Haruka was Rin’s friend now. They were friends… Rin had needed him as a _friend_ and Haru had turned his eyes and ears away from him just because some… some _feelings_. Selfish, selfish feelings!

Haruka swallowed thickly, his pride, his feelings, his hurt.

“Why are you so determined to tell me….” _how you feel about someone else?_ Haruka could hardly look at Rin, he didn’t like seeing him cry and he didn’t want to feel guilty about making him cry again. No Rin should be happy. Haru looked him in the eye. “Fine, then tell me…” but its already ripped my heart out because _I wish it was me…._

Rin’s eyebrows draw themselves in a frown. “Why?!” He repeated Haru’s question. “It concerns you, doesn’t it?” The redhead looked back with cherry red eyes, the rough wiping of his eyes did leave them slightly bloodshot, tinting the red hues even darker shade.

Haru looked down. It was painful. To listen to Rin, to see him so worked up. To think about the words to come. How he discovered his feelings for Makoto. Or how they finally found equal ground. Maybe even ask him for advice? He felt sick. The determination he had found just moments ago slipping through his fingers at an alarming speed. The realization robbed him of the grip on his emotionless expression, plunging him into an abyss of pain. Moisture coated his vision and Haruka lowered his gaze to the ground. A soft, almost inaudible whisper slipping past his lips.

“I’m sorry.”

-

The soft spoken words cut like razors into his heart, making Rin hard to breath. _Did I hurt him?_ The glistening veil of moisture over the brilliant blue eyes made his breath hitch. _All I wanted was for him to know… I just wanted to let Haru know and… and… I lost it!_ Rin raked his brain and the realization hit him like a wave in the face. He wanted to tell the boy his feelings and ended up hurting him. He was clearly pushing his feelings onto the other and it had apparently broken Haru. Why was he always messing things up?

Taking an axe in his mental hand Rin stood before the cherryblossom tree growing throughout his entire being, branches spread wide and in full bloom. Aligning the sharp blade with the trunk at took a swing.

“I didn’t know this would hurt you like this…” Rin started, his voice barely a whisper. “I… I _will_ drop this. You can forget it. I never… Never intended to hurt you with… with this.”

“It’s my own fault…” _I should just accept that you love him and not me. I shouldn’t be so selfish and want you for my own._

Rin was laughing inwardly. Not with humor, but outright morbid mortification spreading through his mind like a wildfire. Haru did it again. Taking blame where he clearly had none. It all was just Rin selfishly pushing things on him. Showing emotions he should have better kept to himself and only realizing it after he had unintentionally hurt the one he held so dear. It was like he hadn’t learned a thing from the past. And Haru was still willing to remain his friend… _I’m a complete idiot!_

He felt the tree bleed out as he readied himself for the next swing. It would crush everything inside him. It had spread so wide and dig itself so deep that the teen would not walk away from this with light wounds. But he would bare it. He would overcome this. If anything, Matsuoka Rin was one to work hard to get to the goals he had set. Even if the road there would rip him open and leave to bleed out, he still would keep going. He was one persistent bastard when it came down to it.

“At last let me stay your friend.” A whisper left the redhead’s lips, his hand lifting on its own accord and going past Haruka’s still downcast pale face, brushing a string of black hair behind his ear, before Rin noticed his hands movements and scolded his fingers into submission and withdraw them.

As Rin spoke of still wanting to be friends, Haru’s heart felt like it was going to break. “Of course we will always be friends - NOTHING would ever change that.”

A humorless chuckle escaped Rin’s lips and he mentally swung at the tree again, the sharp blade cutting deep, the power of it vibrating through the trunk and resounding in the branches. It made Rin sick to his stomach, but he had to cut it down. If he left it. If the tree still bloomed inside of him, he knew he wouldn’t be able to stay by Haru’s side. Not without hurting him like this again.

“I’m sorry for…” Rin swallowed thickly, before continuing. “For having those feelings towards you. I-I promise I will… I will make them stop. I don’t want to lose you… ” Rin bit his lower lip, turning to walk back to Samezuka. He had to learn to give up now.

_Had he just..?_

Haruka looked up abruptly and his hands wrapped around Rin’s wrist like a snake going for a prey, grounding the redhead in his place, earning him a perplexed murmur of syllables that rolled out the others lips. _But what… What was with Makoto? Why was he..? Didn’t he..? What did he mean..?_ Words formed and faded in the teens head without spilling past his lips. Sighing in frustration, he gave up on speaking all together. Haru was not good with words, never had been. And today, whatever he had said seemed to go wrong anyway, so he turned to the only other way how he knew to let Rin understand what he wanted. After just a second of consideration Haruka pulled the redhead closer and let his body act out what his mouth couldn’t speak.

-

Rin’s purple hues went wide and trembling. Their lips were smashed together, their noses had bumped for a second and it had a bit of an awkward feel to it, but it was the best kiss ever! Granted, it was Rin’s first, but he was sure that there was no way there could be anything better than this. The soft and slightly cool feel of Haruka’s lips over his, as his breath burned his cheeks.

They parted just couple of heartbeats after, but it felt like the eternity had gone past them, throwing the two into a world unknown. Haruka’s eyes slid slowly open and a spark of worry flickered in the ocean of blue as he looked over Rin. But the redhead just looked back with a soft smile playing on his lips. He felt drunk. Dizzy, winded and lost. He could hear… _feel_ Haruka’s wandering eyes pull him in, ask a question he had tried to answer all this time.

Rin parted his lips as to speak, but instead of speaking he narrowed the distance between them again. His hands slid up, over the sensitive skin of Haru’s arms, cupping his neck and burying his fingers in the dark locks. Tilting the others head lightly, making the kiss more comfortable. He felt their teeth bump slightly at one point, but Rin didn’t mind. The cherryblossom tree rained pink, filling him to the brim with soft petals. The cuts on its trunk mending, leaving only a faint patch of a light, scar like bark behind.

Pulling apart, their breath mingling, Rin looked over Haruka’s face, before answering the unspoken question in words this time.

“I love you, Haru.”


End file.
